Word From The Herd ~ The Micro-Manager

“Not every journey is ours to take.” Don’t take on responsibility for that which is not yours. Don’t deny others the chance to learn and grow. Don’t deny yourself the chance to rest and let go. (Anon.)

Please note this is a personal blog. It does not seek to offer professional advice. Just personal perspective.

We all know one. If it’s a horse, they are the one who fusses and fidgets and always wants to make sure that everyone and everything is in it’s place. They are intelligent, and sensitive. They may whinny or call out a great deal…they may be the bullies or the bossy ones…they may be mares or geldings (because most stallions do it by nature). They may be the ones who are a challenge under saddle. They may be the ones who get upset over what seems to us to be the smallest – unexpected – things.

Some people, and animals become micro-managers for a reason. With others, it’s a part of their nature.

If you have a partner or a child who is a micro-manager, or you are one yourself, what are the signs? Well…they might be very organised at work. (And when I say work I include running a household). If they work away from home they might not like it if they come home and find you’ve done something – like a chore or a task - without them expecting you to. They might say ‘oh I was going to do that’, instead of saying ‘oh wow, that’s great’, or ‘thank you’. They may not like it if you accept an unexpected promotion at work, or say 'okay' to a function, without telling them first.

They may go so far as to start helping you prepare your own breakfast without you asking. They might rearrange something you’ve already arranged. They might suggest the best way for you to drive to work, even though you’ve been driving that way for years. They may want to know what you’ve been doing all day, at work or home…but then they actually don’t actively listen while you’re talking because they have started worrying about something else.

They may constantly seek your approval for tasks they have done, or are about to do, by listing those tasks.

Of course some people simply do nice things for other people – like prepare meals – because they love them and want to help. But this is different. Those who know the micro-manager syndrome will know what I am talking about.

So why do some people, and animals, micro-manage? It can often have a lot to do with anxiety. As the very wise American research professor Brene Brown notes, 'over-functioners' respond to their anxiety by working to take control of situations. (I am an over-functioner.) 'Under-functioners' become anxious and withdraw. They do less, and may shut themselves off, or shut down in certain situations.

Constantly moving house, divorce or family unrest, addiction, financial stress, the illness or death of a loved one (human or animal)…a long term illness or physical disability…all these things can lead to an adult who micro-manages to stay emotionally balanced and feel like they have some sort of say/control in their world.

After retirement, the (human) manager who retires can find themselves at a loose end, as he/she has nothing to manage in their personal life after a working life of managing the lives of others. This can very quickly create tensions within a household which is not healthy unless there is excellent communication between partners. Retirees and their partners should perhaps try to find some task/tasks/hobbies that can be allocated to maintain the equilibrium within the household. As an example, when the father/husband retires and “hovers” around his wife/partner to such an extent that they end up growling at him...the husband then gets frustrated/annoyed and goes and chops wood or undertakes another task or even takes up an unhealthy pastime, to vent his frustration at not being able to “help” in the house. The solution? Aim to find something enjoyable and productive...golf or gardening, community or business volunteer work, Masonic Lodge or another such club, or sports...anything to help the retiree transition (in a mentally and physically healthy way), into retirement. Try to acknowledge if there is stress or anxiety involved. Acknowledgement of the problem, and communication, are paramount.

When it comes to long term illness or a physical disability, micro-managing is a survival technique and an important one, but sometimes it can also be triggered unexpectedly. As an adult it can be triggered by any sort of physical or emotional trauma – abuse, workplace bullying, illness, death, addiction, financial stress, etc. etc. Such stresses, if not properly addressed, can result in escapism or micro-managing.

So how do we support or help the micro-managers? If we are one, how do we manage ourselves? Through communication, understanding, holding space, patience, compassion, and acknowledging boundaries.

First of all, remember that it is in a lead mare’s nature to want to have the final say. (Trust me, I know, I am one.) It is in a stallion’s nature to want to keep himself and his herd alive. Both will try to organise. So will dominant geldings.

In my experience, if the horse is not a herd leader but is still dominant and a micro-manager, the behaviour may be partially rooted in anxiety and fear. This may have been caused by past trauma (of any sort but often emotional), and while it’s not always possible to completely ‘cure’ a micro-manager, there’s a lot you can do to support them and re-train that brain.

Firstly, these horses don’t believe any other horse can do as good a job as they can at looking after everyone. If you don’t have a more balanced, dominant horse who can prove this premise consistently wrong to your micro-manager, then you can help by becoming a firmer, more grounded and more consistent leader yourself. The horse has to learn that they can relax because someone else is ‘good’ enough to take charge. Everything you do and say has to show the horse; ‘it’s okay, I’ve got this’. If you are going to hand decision-making over to them, it must be done consciously, deliberately and with the right timing.

Start in small ways. Short lessons each day – keep them simple and positive. Start with leading…stop deliberately, now and then, and ensure your horse stops too. If they’ve moved ahead, back them up a step. ‘I’ve got this’. Guide the walk. Let them know you are there with them in the moment and that you are completely focused on the task at hand, which is walking with your horse. BE with your horse, mentally and physically. As soon as you start to stray or lose focus, the micro-manager will take over. ‘Oh no, it’s no longer safe, I’m saying we go this way’, or ‘we’re no longer safe, I’m bolting home to get back to the other horses because they can’t be safe either if I’m not there and we aren’t safe here’.

Sound familiar? Remember, everyone wants to know what their boundaries are. They want to feel safe and acknowledged, and consistently comfortable in that knowledge. (Even if those boundaries are very broad.)

It’s largely the same with people. For example, if the family is under financial pressure, the man or dominant partner (because there’s always one even if it varies at times), may start to try and micro-manage other areas of their life because they feel they have lost financial control and it affects their sense of self-worth. Some might try to drink or party to forget about it. Others may become more and more organised in everything that they do. They will try to organise/help where they have no need or right to help/organise. They often do not even realise they are doing it.

What do some women do when they feel they have lost control in one area of their lives? They clean. They start organising their space. They may restrict intimacies. They may try to train their horses to the 'nth' degree. Or they might begin to micro-manage their appearance. Why? Because they feel insecure, or as if they have lost control in some other area of their lives.

Most of us know someone like this. Most of us know horses like this. Many of us know someone who micro-manages their horse/s or their riding for the same reasons - underlying anxiety over loss of control in other areas of their lives.

With people, if it's family or a friend who is micro-managing, it may need to be lovingly and gently pointed out to the individual that they are (albeit unwittingly), overstepping boundaries. They are not responsible for making your life ‘easier’ or more organised by doing whatever they are doing. (Infact it often actually makes things more difficult, particularly when you are dealing with the frustration of boundary invasion!)

We all know that most micro-managers mean well – but their actions aren't helpful or productive. So communicate and let them know. Kindly. ‘It’s okay, I’ve got this.’ I can do the mowing myself. I can clean the house myself. You just sit down and relax while I cook…or you sit down while your partner does.

Of course, if you want help with something ask for it. Help the micro-manager channel their energy into something productive. They are anxious about something and they need to feel a sense of achievement. Help them gain that.

The same applies to your horse – channel their anxious energy into something they can feel good about. A short walk or lesson on their own, away from the herd, so they get back before anxiety sets in and they can learn that everything was really okay while they were away. Positive reinforcement works best, because you need the horse to associate any ‘release’ of fussing with something good. Something pleasant. Make sure they are with a healthy herd/healthy horses and not on their own.

While what I have written applies to the micro-managers in our lives, some tips can also be used for the simply fearful or anxious horse. Short trips away from the herd and back. Short lessons. Flow in and out of that comfort zone and help them enlarge it.

Getting back to humans for a minute…sometimes it’s not okay. Sometimes the financial or bullying or other pressure becomes too much. If you are aware of this as a trigger for your own or your partner’s behaviour - if it becomes too much - this is when we all need to be brave enough to ask for professional help. If someone isn’t recognising the extent to which they are micro-managing, it can lead to health breakdowns, and family stress. It’s important to acknowledge our own and everyone else’s boundaries.

The simple fact is that you can’t fix everything and you shouldn’t try. It’s not your job. It’s your responsibility to look after yourself first – because that is what will make your loved ones happiest.

Our herd is our herd and it needs every member to be the healthiest herd it can be. Because variety is the spice of life, after all. Time passes, change happens, and that’s just life.

And remember...it’s okay. You’ve got this.

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