Word From The Herd ~ Rescuing The Rescuer

"If you want to save things, start by saving yourself. Ask for help, heal yourself, then present those tools to others. If you don't, you are only making yourself part of the problem, in the long run." ~ KAW

Rescuer Syndrome. (Aka White Knight syndrome) Possible trigger warning...

This particular mental health issue doesn't just apply to women. It is one of the more common personality types and - outside of boundaries and control issues - is one of the hardest to recognise and accept if it applies to you.

It applied to me for quite some years.

What was the lesson I learned? The most helpful thing you can do for any animals - or humans - in your care, or even just in your sphere, is to be whole and healthy yourself.

The reasons behind why some people become rescuers (of people and animals)...and why a percentage of those individuals become obsessive and become animal hoarders...are varied and complex. Largely to do with unmet childhood needs or perceived unmet childhood needs. Reasons may also include past trauma or abuse. Ask your Counsellor or Psychologist, because there's always more to it and individual stories vary.

As the Psychs also say...you never really 'save' anyone. All you can do is present them with the tools they need to save themselves. Those in need of rescue have to take up the offer and help themselves with the tools and support you've provided. If they don't, nothing is going to change. It's only going to get worse, for them and possibly for you too, if there's a co-dependent relationship involved.

There are many variations of rescue syndrome. Some are less obvious than others. Sometimes men who suffer from rescue syndrome become obsessive about wanting to 'fix' things. They feel they aren't worthy of love or inclusion unless they can help. They offer solutions all the time. They may believe that nobody else can 'fix' a problem as well as they can. Some women may exhibit these signs as well. But there's a fine line here...both partners in a healthy relationship need to be able to both give and receive from an equally healthy mental and emotional space. And women need just as much space to do things their way, and to be themselves, as men do. We all do things differently - and that's okay.

It's also okay if we fail, because this is how we learn and grow. A rescuer can (albeit unwittingly), negatively 'enable' someone needing rescue by giving to and supporting them so much that the rescuee becomes more and more helpless or fails to acknowledge that they even have a problem. They need to acknowledge their problem and learn the skills needed to save themselves, not their self-styled rescuer.

Basically, 'rescuers' feel more worthy if they can help. Rescuers tend to ignore personal boundaries and personal needs/wants/desires in favour of the energy, acceptance and appreciation they receive for giving of themselves to others. Rescuers often have low self-esteem and don't think themselves worthy enough to spend time on, so they spend time on others. At work they are often the 'go to' person. Rescuers want to be the one who can't be done without. Working to save something else means you don't have to think about the ongoing consequences of not saving yourself. You don't have to worry about finding the discipline or education or emotional energy required to heal yourself. You don't have to worry about being the one to ask for help.

Rescuing animals gives an additional kick because they can't tell you you're doing it wrong. Or at least, that you might be rescuing for all the wrong reasons. Harsh but true.

Please don't think I'm generalising here. This state of mind does not apply to all those who devote their time and resources to rescuing animals and/or humans. Not at all. Care and welfare of others should be encouraged. We should all try to do something good and kind for someone else every day. 'Pay it forward' is a great mantra.

But for those with a compulsion/compulsive need to rescue...remember that when it comes to helping friends and supporting others, you need to be very careful not to negatively 'enable' those who in reality need to help themselves. Rescuers can unwittingly 'enable' addicts, particularly. (Because please note, there are many different types of addiction.) Support is important, but it has to be healthy support. You can present the tools for someone else to heal, but they must acknowledge and take up those tools, and heal themselves. None of us can 'cure' another person's trauma or mental health issues. Not even the professionals.

'Physician heal thyself.' So true. And so important. Because healing yourself will heal others, or at the very least help others, in ways you possibly cannot see or imagine right now. Healing + the ripple effect go hand-in-hand in life.

A similar approach from the human is needed by rescued animals. Start from a place of wholeness. Don't hold injured/traumatised/abused/damaged animals in their trauma by constantly feeling sorry for them or cosseting them. Don't constantly feel anxious for, or cuddle an animal that is stressed or in a state of anxiety.

Use your common sense...you can hold and comfort at the point of rescue and during periods of intensive care, etc. of course, but don't continue the behaviour. Don't make it your 'go to' response. Because you know what? The animal (and sometimes also human) will make that state their 'go to' response. They'll go back to that state more than is healthy because that's when they receive/feel release and comfort.

You are not encouraging healing by continuing to feel sadness, guilt, sorrow, neediness or grief for another. Which leads us to the elephant in the room...displaced emotion. You are not helping rescued animals by pouring your sorrow or guilt or need for validation which is the result of your emotional damage from your past, onto them. You shouldn't be carrying it either, but don't make it theirs as well.

You need to be compassionate without being sympathetic or 'feeling sorry'. Look forward for rescued animals, rather than back. Hold space and understand that what a traumatised animal needs is for you to learn and utilise training methods that teach them to be strong enough to calm themselves down. What they need from you is someone who can keep them safe while they set about healing themselves. Give them the tools they need as animals...physical/physiological support and vet care...communicating with them in a supportive way...training to provide consistent, firm but fair boundaries...kindness and patience...being mindfully with them and remaining compassionate and supportive without slipping into cuddle/sorry mode when they revert/have flashbacks. Because they will. Life isn't perfect. Sometimes we fail. This acknowledgement leads us to a final realisation...

Not everyone or everything can be saved. Personally, I believe that not everyone or everything wants to be. And we have to respect that.

So we do the best we can, by holding space and allow our fellow creatures to grow and learn by healing themselves. Remember - it's often best to help them heal physically first, then work on their emotional state. Because helping them physically is giving them the tools they need to start tackling the rest.

Look forward for rescued animals, rather than back.

Again, we can only provide the tools...and a healthy sense of SELF...to guide others towards healing and progress.

The most helpful thing you can do for any animals in your care is to be whole and healthy yourself.

❤️🙂