"Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space." ~ unknown
Horses and donkeys rarely complain. It's one of the reasons we love them. It's one of the reasons we are both kind and, perversely, cruel to them. Like many other domestic animals. Because they tend to take it. Horses (like dogs), accept us on face value, in the moment, and rarely whinge. They accept each other at face value. Most of the time. In return, we give our affection and devotion freely to them. Most of the time.
Why does this positive reciprocity feel so good? Why does it work...?
Years ago I had a workmate who had a problem with one of their heads of department. This department head, who managed their own staff, would come in to my workmate and immediately suck all the energy out of the room (and her), by complaining. Daily. He was negative about everything. He wasn't happy at home, he complained about his staff, he complained about his state of health. He blamed others for every problem he appeared to have. Yes, he was a victim. Yes, he was an energy vampire. And there were likely many reasons behind it. But what to do about it?
The advice I gave her was largely intuitive, but it still holds true - because I understand now why I gave it. I suggested she compliment this man. Honestly and authentically.
How it works is this...people who struggle, people who might be anxious, people who are bullies or bullied, people who have been raised to believe that others are more important/worth more than themselves, people who want to be needed to the point where they give away large amounts of themselves...mothers, fathers, workmates, sisters, brothers, relatives, friends... ALL of us, at some point, need to give OURSELVES 'time out' to replenish our emotional energy.
If we don't know how to do this in healthy ways, we might shut ourselves off/hide away, or we might try to get that energy from others in unhealthy ways without even realising we are doing it.
At some point in our lives, most of us have been energy vampires too. Hence a more compassionate approach. You know where I'm coming from here.
Some of us are blessed enough to have loving partners and pets, who freely give us energy in wonderfully good and healthy ways. Loving, sharing the workload at home (or at work), listening, caring, giving without depleting too much of themselves. This is nirvana. More of us, however, have partners who are needy too. Needy partners or no partners, and we have our energy bullied out of ourselves at work, or we have unhealthy relationships with partners who suck it out.
What I'm suggesting here isn't a cure for everything. There are certain personality disorders like narcissism that are difficult to work with. But what does help activate a healthier attitude in most workmates who are energy vampires is complimenting them regularly.
Practise (if you like) by complimenting yourself in front of a mirror. Because YOU deserve positive feedback too. Be genuine. Be caring. Then start throwing out those positive vibes.
Compliment the 'negs' before they start trying to suck the energy from you in a negative manner. Compliment them before they start on the whole 'poor me' or 'victim' tirade. The compliments don't have to be huge. Start small. 'Gee you're looking well today.' 'Oh wow, nice tie!' (Or nice shirt, nice shoes, pick a clothing item). 'Thanks for what you said to {such-and-such} yesterday, that was really helpful.' 'Thanks for coming to that meeting.' 'Thanks for that email...' Asking them for help with something can work too. Because you can then thank them.
You get the general idea. What you are doing is basically offering positive energy before they suck it negatively. Two words. IT WORKS.
Offering something freely doesn't leave you feeling sick and flat either. Why? Because doing the proactive thing gives you back not only your own sense of power and control, but your own energy as well. Being complimentary isn't always purely altruistic. Being 'nice' is a balancing act. It can be a way of giving and receiving at the same time.
'Complimentary therapy' works in a surprising number of situations. Both at work and at home. Get in first with the smile, and the positive statement. Those who might be about to be negative often literally close their mouths and take a step back. They've just received what they wanted without getting it in a way that also (believe it or not) leaves them feeling like crap. Taking energy is just as bad as having it sucked from you. It's not healthy either way. Particularly not long term.
So be authentically kind. Because giving compliments and therefore energy freely (because you want to, not because you feel you have to, let's make that very clear), will go a long way to helping everyone feel better.
It's compassion in action, or at least the beginnings of it.
As for my workmate, she went away dubious, but ended up thrilled. It took only a few days, but complimenting the fellow who had been constantly complaining caused him not only to stop complaining, but to start being more positive at work. Which led to him being liked more at work. Which led to him becoming an even happier and better person. Which made my workmate feel pretty good about herself too.
You get the picture.
This isn't professional advice. This is life experience. Life isn't an exact science. But kindness works.
photos (c) KAW
