Word From The Herd ~ Me Too

"Reliving the negativity of abuse leaves a mark on us, energetically. Repeating horror stories only adds to our collective negativity and I've never met an equine that benefited from commiseration. They don't need our thoughts and prayers, or our rage and disgust. They just need a little time at your farm. The herd will do the rest.

Learning to let go of the darkness inside of us is the hardest and best lesson for any of us - elder horses, wayward goats, long-ear misanthropes, or the "gray mare" that cares for them." (Anna Blake)

TRIGGER WARNING

For those who don't know, when someone posts something with a 'trigger warning', it means whatever they are posting might trigger an unpleasant psychological response like anxiety, anger, tears, stress, etc. in anyone who has been affected by ptsd, trauma, similar abuse, and so on. The following personal account comes with such a warning...

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One of the most powerful things horses can teach us is how to get back into the flow. I say it a lot. Go with the flow. Horses respond to stimuli and environmental threats instinctively and then, whatever fight-or-flight/fear/annoyance or heightened emotion they express, all being well, they release and simply let go and move on. (If the 'threat' is still there, they may remain upset or activated for longer.)

It's an enviable trait - that ability to slip back into the flow of life. To deactivate, naturally.

Mind you, that ability to stay in the flow relies on them being in a healthy emotional place, not having suffered past trauma. 'Me Too'...horses should be entitled to say this as well.

Some time ago I attended a community meeting. Around 16 folks attended, 6 were women. It was a good meeting. A productive meeting. After the meeting I was standing talking to several older men, all of whom I had known for some years. So yes, I should have expected what came next. I hate that I should have expected it.

One of those men had just joined us, looking for my husband who'd gone out to the car. Apparently my hubbie had taken a pen this man needed and he made a bit of a joke about it. All good. I chuckled and said something like well you'd better go grab it. I said that twice because we got chatting and I knew we had to leave. I was about to turn towards the door, heading out...when the crass, gross grub on my right made a sudden air lunge for my crotch, with a big grin at the others present. He didn't touch me, but still. Go grab it. You know. 😒

Unfortunately it took me a full two seconds to register what had happened, by which time I was already through the door. I did register that one of the others looked uncomfortable. He's a friend, but still said nothing. Then again, neither did I.

I should have gone straight back in and raged at the gross grub, in front of everyone. He's like that - he's said and done similar lewd things before and he'll do them again…in a room with a dozen people he knows, including his wife. I feel most sorry for her. (Although no, she didn't witness the incident.)

But I am 52 years old and still putting up with this crap.

My anger was righteous and I had a bad night as a result. I should have addressed that crossed boundary and I didn't. My anxiety spiked, and my heart rate still hadn't settled the next day. I did tell my husband and I did write an account. I remember feeling very tired. Of a lot of things.

This incident is not the first I've suffered during my lifetime. Yes there've been worse. But no, thankfully I've never suffered violent physical abuse.

The precedents don't help, however. I had the 'normal' childhood stuff - my family moved around a lot due to the nature of my dad's work, so I got bullied a bit at school/s and in boarding school. Mostly by other girls. Some of it was pretty bad but I had/have a very loving, close family which helped. Since then a few things have happened. I've been stalked on social media. Stalked, threatened, abused.

Decades ago I had a lovely young man climb out onto a high rise office ledge and threaten to jump because I wouldn't read his poem and didn't want to acknowledge him as anything more than a friend. Apparently it wasn't the first time he'd threatened self-harm over a female. I hope he got the help he needed. I didn't. It made me both withdrawn and nervous about instigating even a benign relationship.

Years later, I was 'verbally beaten' by a (drinking problem) manager who locked me in a room with him and screamed abuse at me for nearly 30 minutes over an incident involving me asking someone he knew to return a magazine. (Yes it really was that simple and sadly no, no-one came to look in to see if I was okay.) He later apologised to me during a staff meeting in such a way that it was made a joke of. I was told that's just life, and what we all have to put up with. I found a new job and resigned days later.

...Another incident years ago involved being threatened with a (yes loaded) firearm while being locked in a house on a remote community with other young adults and kids. That was a long and interesting night. I've also had to hide firearms to keep them away from an inebriated station hand when the boss was absent on a remote rural station, and myself and the governess were left with just the kids and said abusive drunk. However, considering I've traveled overseas on my own, and have also lived and worked in a number of isolated rural areas, as a woman I've done okay. I've been in stores when they were robbed but I haven't had to deal with a terrorist incident or anything like that.

What I have suffered has caused mild ptsd and sometimes anxiety, which I still deal with. I think a fair few women and perhaps some men would know the sort of thing I am referring to. Life is glorious, but it ain't a bowl of cherries. Shite happens to everyone. Families can pass down trauma and as we all know, finding/maintaining a good workplace is gold.

I deal better with things these days...after the latest incident, I remembered my lessons learned from the herd. I talked it through with my partner, and I am relaxed about it now. I get triggered because of the abovementioned past incidences, but again, I'm one of the fortunate ones.

My darling husband wanted to retaliate, but - but - that's my job. The gentleman in question will get spoken to. If he does anything even remotely similar again, he'll get spoken to loudly, by both of us I do not doubt. If he touches me he'll be up on assault charges. He likes his games and it pisses me off that they still don't seem to get acknowledged and addressed for what they are. But then, I am only just starting to do that myself.

I don't share any of this lightly. It helps to vent and rationalise. It took me a while to get back into my flow. I hate being triggered, though it happens rarely these days. Usually I'm alert enough to respond in the moment, and move on. In that situation, that night, I wasn't. It sucks that I blame myself for that. I thought I'd left most of that sort of thing behind when I left the hospitality and liquor industries. But you never really do. Leave it behind.

Isn't it crap that we women (and possibly some men) have to remain so alert/activated? Doesn't it suck that we can't even attend a local meeting in 4 layers of clothing due to freezing conditions and STILL not escape being sexually targeted?

Doesn't it suck harder that we sometimes then take our own - truly natural and understandable - stress and anxiety responses/withdrawals out on our loved ones, friends and animals instead of not blaming and shaming ourselves, and getting help to deal with this crap?

My husband is my rock and incredibly understanding. I love him deeply. We are both protective of each other and of what we have built together. He feels righteous anger as well but for different reasons. He missed out on being able to defend me. Not that he needs to - and the fact is that the grub in question would never have done it if my man had been standing next to me. Which again, sucks on a whole new level.

I forgive the grub because he is the victim really. A lot of bullies and sexual predators, etc. are also victims, as much as we might wish they weren't. This one has clearly got big issues, low self-esteem among them. And seriously, he’s not worth my time or energy. I don't forget, however. My anger is righteous. I’m over being a victim myself. I write this to provide support and hope for others. We aren't alone. You can get back in the flow. But it takes time and perseverance. Most of you will already know this.

As for me...I work with 600kg + horses every day. I know how to kick and bite with the best of them. I've learned from the Wild Ones. I’ll feel my anger, lunge when I need to, breathe through it and move on. The herd has my back, after all.

photos (c) KAW