"Remember that a healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your happiness,
your family and friends, your dreams or your dignity." (from 'Positive Thoughts')
This blog comes with a trigger warning, just in case. It's a carry on from my "Me Too" blog, which you may like to read first. There are contact details for support at the end of both posts.
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My family traveled a lot due to the nature of my father's work. By the time I was 18, we'd moved 21 times. I went to 7 different schools. I'm not complaining, I've had a great life and learned a great deal. But I sometimes used to wish I was good at pleasing people. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, it never seemed to be part of my base nature. What I did instead was try to 'hide' in other ways...comfort eating, burying myself in writing and reading and imaginary worlds...the usual.
In hindsight, not fawning/pleasing everyone isolated me and, as an introvert, this was probably a healthy thing at the time. I said 'no' to boys, and later to men. I didn't need to belong to a 'gang' or a 'we'. I had my own 'we' already. I had/have a loving family and a very close relationship with my siblings, which gave me (early on), a positive outlook and a reasonable sense of self, and of belonging. My family wasn't perfect, but I was/am loved. I already felt a part of something, so I didn't need to get validation from others in that sense. This didn't prevent me skipping classes, or trying to save things (including people), to make myself feel better, or help me to get through the usual teen angst any faster, but I am aware now that my inability to 'fit in' by allowing all sorts of early boundaries to be crossed was also a good thing.
So...what is the 'fawn' response?
The word itself comes (in English), from exactly that - it's a survival response by some baby animals, specifically, infant deer. That action when the mother puts her baby in grass/under cover and they lay very still and hope the predator will pass them by. It is an incredibly instinctive action. Lay down. Hide. Survive. Lion cubs and other predator babies will stay hidden as well. It's not just prey animals. They hide so that the mother can lead the bigger predator away, and hopefully return to find her offspring, all of them (including the mother) intact.
Foals will also exhibit the 'baby-baby' or champ/mouth response, opening and closing their mouths rapidly at older members of the herd to indicate that they are small, vulnerable and submitting. They do it to indicate they are no threat to the larger animal. All they want to do is fit in, be kept safe, and survive. They grow out of this behaviour, all being well, within the first two years of life and often much earlier.
The definition in psychological terms goes something like this... "When you respond by freezing, it usually indicates that you feel you can't win either by fighting or running. The fawn response can happen when you can't fight or run. Instead, you choose to go along, trying to win over a person who is abusing you." This can result in you having difficulties setting boundaries for yourself and others, and standing up for yourself. You may end up in a co-dependent relationship, with the partner you feel you deserve. It's unhealthy and often abusive.
It's not learned helplessness, at least not in my humble opinion. Learned helplessness is "a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed." If you are good at fawning - if you are good at pleasing to survive - you are, at least temporarily, succeeding. And you keep trying. If an animal or human is in a state of learned helplessness, they have given up entirely. They shut down.
Yes there are many levels of fawning. There is healthy and unhealthy 'pleasing'. Such behaviour can be mild, like workplace compliments constantly paid to the boss. Or pleasing friends and family to avoid conflict. It can also escalate.
The statistics say that it is largely women who end up resorting to fawning to survive an abusive relationship, and sometimes to protect their children/step-children as well. The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or all three. All are as negative and damaging as each other. It's mostly women who instigate/fall into fawning because of past abuse/self-worth problems themselves, and because most men are larger and stronger, physically. Yes there are exceptions. Fawning can also be called sycophancy or 'pleasing behaviour'. You give up your own happiness and dreams to keep your partner happy and feeling in control, so that they don't hurt you or replace you, basically.
Sometimes people who have lost control in this area of their lives (through fawning), try to control other areas of their lives to the point of over-compensation. They become obsessive/yes-people at work, or even with their horses. (It's a bit like road rage - displaced anger/anxiety/guilt/emotion.) This is what we see. For example, their horses have to do things in a certain way and their animals have to obey them, and they have to be the dominant partner, because of the need to enforce (often unrealistic) boundaries to compensate for allowing boundaries to be crossed in other areas of their lives. Make sense? Most of the time people don't even realise that this is what they are doing.
The other extreme is that these people resort to letting go so completely (ignoring all boundaries), that they become reckless, apparently careless, and even dangerous to themselves. They don't feel they are worth anything so they 'don't care'. Alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, loss of relationships and connection...animal abuse...
It's a complex problem with many layers that requires professional and/or a great deal of family support to work through. It can cause ptsd and depression. Long term victimisation can result in trauma bonding, among other things. People often need ongoing help to learn resilience and regain a sense of who they are, and learn how to build/enforce healthy boundaries again. I'm not a professional. I'm just talking from observation and personal experience. I am certainly not a victim of long-term abuse, or toxic divorce where both parents continue to contradict one another and list each other's failings to their children, who are innocent products of both and end up maturing with no sense of self and complex feelings of gender issue failings. But I've seen the damage done to people who have experienced these things and who have resorted to fawning to survive. I've helped several through the guilt and anxiety and lack of self-belief/self-worth that comes with this unhealthy 'pleasing' behaviour.
I've watched traumatised horses who are no longer foals (3 - 5 years of age), exhibit fawning/baby-baby behaviour when introduced to members of a healthy herd because they don't understand equine boundaries or how to 'fit in' to a healthy herd. They are abjectly submissive until taught otherwise. But they do learn. They do grow, and grow stronger emotionally when the herd helps them through it, and when the humans treat them kindly and consistently and reinforce those healthy boundaries.
With our horses, if we have unhealthy behaviours like fawning, we need to be careful we don't 'put' them onto our horses, either through actually try to 'save' and 'heal' and make happy all animals (when we really need to heal ourselves), or through displaced emotion. Check in with yourself. Try not to impose unrealistic boundaries on your horse because you are having problems imposing/maintaining your own boundaries. Don't except your horse to carry the weight of your healing. That is YOUR responsibility. And therein lies your power.
When we humans find the right herd (of other humans), we don't need to please them to be accepted. Because they are all healthy and should be well able to please themselves. They should want you to be happy too, but they shouldn't need to make you happy. Nobody else is responsible for making ME happy. I should make that happen myself. Again, this is where my power lies. If you need help to learn how to do this, take back your power and seek that help. You are not alone, and you are not alone in needing the collective wisdom, love and education of the herd.
What I want to reiterate is exactly what has been said above. Fawning isn't actually giving up. Fawning is a survival skill, one some of us instinctively resort to when we feel threatened. So yes, it's all about wanting to live. It's all about wanting to survive, and grow, it's not about giving up. So please, don't judge yourself too harshly. Hold space and forgive yourself for all those things you needed to do to survive. Give yourself permission to fail, to learn, to move on.
And find yourself a good herd. Find the right herd for you. Supportive, caring, giving, and able to let go. It may be a long journey but remember, you're a survivor. 'Your vibe attracts your tribe'. Good hunting!
all photos (c) KAW
If this blog has raised any concerns, here's a few (Australian) contacts you may find useful...in the mean time, go gently.
Lifeline 131114
Mental Health Triage 131465 Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
Women's Domestic Violence Helpline
Telephone (08) 9223 1188 or Free call 1800 007 339
Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline
Telephone (08) 9223 1199 or Free call 1800 000 599
