“Beneath every behaviour there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behaviour, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.” ~ Unknown
Humans. We overthink our feelings. Instead, we should allow ourselves to feel our feelings, and thereby learn from them. Humans think and respond. Horses feel and respond. Or react. So please don't take the following personally...feel it, learn from it, because when we know better, we can do better.
With all clients and students, and some visitors, one of the first things we talk about is approach and intent. As in, how do you safely and respectfully approach a horse, and even before you do, what's the intention? Why do you want to approach? Be honest. Take a deep breath, and be your authentic self. Because the horse will want to know your intent. Actually let's face it, they'll already know, so you need to endeavour to get your heart and mind as coherent as possible, first.
Anxious people, sensitive people, good, kind children and adults alike, or those who are introverts (like me), often take things to heart. A lot.
It's understandable. We are only human after all. People like those mentioned above often love animals more than most people (yes! we can relate!), and so approach them, at times, like a long lost family member. That socially awkward person who walks nervously into a room and wants to remain unseen, not speaking, not making eye contact, and emitting a low, almost unhealthy energy when engaging with groups of humans, will throw out an amazing amount of intensely excited or loving energy, along with intense focus, on any new animal. Or towards their own animals.
I use the large pink font to make my point. It's that different, and that obvious to the creature who is targeted.
The object of all this affection and desire, naturally, backs off in a hell of a hurry or starts exhibiting numerous calming signals to try and defuse the situation, understandably anxious. Sometimes they snap, and nip or bite/scratch - particularly if they are a dog or cat.
The human can then sometimes think; 'oh, he/she doesn't like me'.
Let's be clear. It's not that they don't 'like' you. It's not that they are being 'stubborn' or 'naughty' or standoffish. It's simply that you are not being respectful. You are not communicating effectively. At best you're confusing them. At worst you are frightening them. According to recent research, in most animals, the difference between extreme anxiety or 'hunt mode' in humans, and excitement/intense happiness in humans, is almost indistinguishable. This makes sense to me. We are activated/adrenalised in all these states. We probably smell and 'feel' almost the same. The dog or horse may not understand the difference between excitement and fear on a scent based/physiological level. Which makes them go into survival mode.
Recall...it's not you, it's just your behaviour. Most animals (both prey animals and predators), instinctively startle. They instinctively avoid not only sudden incoming and possible threats, but continuous activation. It’s a survival thing, and it's got very little to do with you personally. It has more to do with that space between you, created by your behaviour, which is suddenly electric. Almost literally.
Horses and dogs (as examples) activate and deactivate, as we know, from one second to the next (all being well), flowing through their day. Most of the time they are 'tuned down'. They are on low beam.
Being in the spotlights of a predator on high beam, as it were, isn't conducive to their peace of mind.
Think about that for a minute. To the animal, I imagine it's much the same as being slapped or shouted at. Particularly if they don't understand what state you are in. Where are your manners?
RESPECT the power of your focus. Yes, you have power. Use it responsibly. Use it reliably.
RESPECT the horse or animal you focus on. Learn more about talking equine. Most horses (and dogs), don't like to be stared at by strangers, or have a strange face thrust into their face, and almost all prefer not to have their faces suddenly patted or rubbed by people they don't know.
REMEMBER what it feels like, as a normally calm, quiet person, when someone you don't know suddenly erupts in your vicinity, very excited. Or launches themselves at you, wanting to say hi, or question you…
Boundary invading…disrespectful…ignorant…scary…triggering…right? Welcome to the spotlight.
Let's be clear. Animals who are used to this will interact with you anyway. They have either learned you mean no harm, or have learned techniques to calm you and themselves down. Sometimes they have learned to shut themselves down. Which isn't so great. Learned helplessness is a terrible thing. It is caused partly by not being heard.
Teach yourself. Teach your children. 'It's a relationship, not a love affair'. I've quoted that before. Sometimes loving something means allowing to be what it is, and letting it be in it's own space. We ALL need our own space at times, and we all need time to be with ‘our own people’. Our own tribe. Our trusted herd.
Balance is a good thing. Breathe, and allow that flow, that give and take, in yourself as well. Try not to get stuck in activation/excitement or anxiety/fear mode. Learn techniques to help you achieve this, because it will also help you be 'present', and more aware. It's a gift you can give yourself, and others. A real gift.
As an aside, one of the best techniques to help you 'deactivate' or come off high beam, is the proven 'Figure 8/Lazy 8 breathing' techniques. Look them up. (You can also search 'Diaphragmatic breathing exercises'.) Learn the techniques. Practise them. Very basically, slow abdominal breathing reduces the 'fight or flight' response of the sympathetic nervous system. It stimulates your vagus nerve and lowers stress responses. I have also found that this breathing method helps me sleep better.
But back to approach and intent...respect the relationship by allowing your horse to be a horse. Remember, it's not about you. It's about taking the time to understand behaviour and what triggers it. It's about the energy you bring in to a space. Very basically, it's about the communication between your electrons and the horse's electrons. It's about the vibration of the frequency between you. Photons. Light waves. Heartbeats. Biophotonic energy, along with the horse's ability to smell your intent (and the adrenal hormones associated with your state of being), if you wish to pursue the research.
In conversational terms, it's about true mutual respect. It's about simply acknowledging boundaries and sentience, and treating others with the same compassion and kindness you'd like granted to yourself. Especially when meeting and working together with someone for the first time.
Namaste. 🙏🏽
