“Learning to Em-Brace uncertainty and still trust in life, that is our work in progress.” ~ Sage Hut Wizard
This is another one that comes with a trigger warning.
I was recently reminded about the movie 'Buck'. Now there's a man who knows about bracing. He learned it during his childhood and then had to begin to unlearn it.
Sadly, horses do it too. In the movie, Buck demonstrates how some people 'grab' their reins. Their horses immediately brace for the pain/force/confusion. Or in anticipation of any of these. You can demonstrate this (it's a lesson I've copied with students), by asking them to hold on to the end of a rope with both hands, and then pretend, right up until the last minute, you are going to 'yank that thing'. The person on the other end usually always braces/tenses. They expect force and discomfort, just as a horse does.
Be kind. Go in lightly. Avoid ego. It's a good lesson. But on with my story...
Unexpected things will always happen in life. Sometimes these things are good, sometimes really ordinary, sometimes violent and catastrophic. Because that's just life. It isn't fair or not fair. It just is.
I had a load of change in my life (loving parents but due to the nature of my father's work, my family moved 21 times by the time I was 18)...because of this, and certain experiences in certain places, my body, over the years, began to actually physically 'brace'. So I guess my mind did too.
I came to dislike change. I came to dislike joining in, and joining clubs and groups, and making circles of friends...because I always ended up having to leave them. That doesn't mean I didn't join those groups or make those friends. It just means I often didn't enjoy it, not deep down, not really. Which yeah, is a little sad.
On the up side, I got good at being with just me. I was (and still am), an avid reader. It was a healthy escape. I started writing full stories at about 10 - 12 years old, and creating my own worlds, which travelled with me. I'm still working on a 'trilogy' that is now five books. I started writing the first when I was fifteen. No shite. Those characters are as dear to me as family. They got me through some of the darkest times of my young life. Because they didn't change unless I allowed it.
As I grew, I grew into being very good at controlling my immediate environment. At organising it, because that was my way of feeling safe. This also meant I got labelled bossy and aloof. But hey, I was organised as shit. (Not smart, but organised!) 😄 My space was always immaculate.
It took a bodyworker (working on me some time back), to verbalise it...that word. Brace.
That was what the rescued horses we helped here were doing. Some still do it. It was what I realised I had always done. I was always braced. In hindsight, I think I was aware of it. Every time we moved and I shifted towns and schools and friends and 'safe' environments, and had to learn new ones, I braced. I tensed - physically, mentally and emotionally - because settling in was always a chore. There were always bullies, and strange people in strange towns, and new rules to learn...and the expectation to keep an eye on my younger sisters (no brothers), and new houses and suburbs to get to know, and ways home I needed to find. In hindsight, I've realised now that my parents braced too, in their own ways, so that tension was always simmering, just below the surface. It was hard on my mum because she had a career. She tried not to show that side of it to us but we sensed it anyway. We knew, on some level we knew the 'happiness' was sometimes forced. For dad as well. No biggie, that's just life too. Nothing's perfect. But you have to learn that, and learn not to blame others, as you grow.
Edit : Every time we moved, I also lost toys. Stuff goes missing during moves, I get that. Who knows where it goes. But as unimportant as that might seem to an adult (because adult stuff goes missing too!), it was just another 'constant' that disappeared on me. A beloved toy horse, a stuffed dog, etc...I've never forgotten because it was one more tiny thing I thought I knew and could rely on that vanished. Even today, I enjoy re-reading the same books and watching the same movies, again and again...especially if they have a good ending. Why? Because, like my writing, it's a constant. The story doesn't change. FYI, I share this for those parents who want to help support their kids when on the move. Make sure there are always constants. And keep an eye on the toys/favourite things.
There were exciting times and beautiful places and amazing friends too, don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad, or even anywhere near it, compared to what some people have to cope with. I learned some really important lessons. Some of the things I learned, some people never learn, or need to learn. Which is in one way good and in another, maybe not so much.
I'm fifty-two this year. It's taken me half a lifetime to (a) recognise that I brace, and (b) learn to even start to relax. So maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Who knows. My beloved has the patience of a Saint. Just sayin'. He says he's not perfect either. I say we may not be perfect, but we're perfect for each other. As far as I'm concerned he's pretty damn impressive. And he's growing with me.
The animals in my life have always helped as well, because they've taught me a great deal about body language, and non-judgement (of myself as well), and energy, and give-and-take. And finding happy places. And hey, the upside is, I'm really good at reading body language. Most of the time. It's my gift from a life of living with being braced-for-action. (And possibly impact. I got into fights at school.) But I had to fit in. As a child you just have to. So I learned to read people, and places, and adapt my behaviour and boundaries accordingly. Because you just do, or you don't make it. Survival. Instinct. Eight schools + boarding school. Different cities, towns, states...
Towards the end of my upper school life, I lost the plot a bit. Teenagers often do. I used to skip classes and comfort eat, and isolate myself and my anxiety went through the roof...I made a fool of myself with boys...the usual stuff. Not too dramatic, thank fortune. Because without support, at that age, some young adults lose it completely. The world moves pretty fast these days. Change is happening faster than our ability to cope with it, much of the time. That's dangerous.
Of course it's also down to the choices we make as soon as we are mature enough to understand. Some cope. Some ask for help. Some never do. Some try, so hard. Choices. Two years. Two lives. Over the past twenty-four months, two men younger than ourselves, that we knew personally, have committed suicide. There've been several others outside that 'personal' circle, too. The last wonderful man lost was the son of a hard-working, remote rural couple. He was thirty-six. He’s left behind loved ones including children. There's nothing you can say. It's all awful. For everyone.
All manner of tensions can lead to depression. All sorts of bracing. In this day and age, with constant change, it's really hard to ‘unbrace’. To flex and relax. To find a way through tough times. Almost everyone is in survival mode. Or escaping 'society' entirely and flinging themselves to far flung places to go back to Mother Earth. Whatever works.
I don't blame them.
As a child I learned to read people and situations. As an adult, I began to learn to read horses, because that was my passion. And I began to unlearn the need to fit in. At the same time, I had to re-learn how to build and maintain long term relationships. Including with my own family and relations, who I love. Deeply. I realised years ago that I'd become very good at ending things first, and at shutting myself off, so as not to get hurt again by a change I thought might be coming. (Even if it wasn't.) That brace is a bitch. It can get you in all sorts of nasty ways.
I'm sure that many of you reading this - mothers and/or fathers with challenged kids or special needs yourself, folks in toxic relationships or financial difficulties, young singles, those who have lived on the streets, even military and emergency service personnel, those who have suffered continued grief or trauma, etc...you all understand 'the brace'. The 'brace' becomes a way of life, either consciously or unconsciously.
But it shouldn't be.
To be continually tensed against the world isn't healthy. Not for you and not for your tribe. We all know this intuitively.
Un-bracing is the real challenge. Sometimes you need help. Try to find it without drinking to help unbrace/relax...try not to use anything not prescribed by someone who knows what they are talking about.
Emotional bracing, physical bracing...it's always harder on YOU. There's a balance between tension and flow. I've learned that from our horses as well as from a few wonderful humans. Instead of the constant brace, you have to learn to release in between, because (mostly) life is actually okay. Release and breathe...think of it as a wave. No serious highs and lows, just gentle undulation. On a stable shore.
There are so many ways we can do this. But for some, it's hard. Sometimes there are storms. But just for now...relax. Breathe. Lower your shoulders. Open your fingers. And unclench your jaw. Or your butt. Your choice.
I'm also writing this in the lead up to Christmas, which is super hard on many folks around the world. Super wonderful for some too. But 'going with the flow' takes on a whole new meaning during these crowded, political, emotional, busy, lonely, hectic, triggering times of year.
All I'm doing is sharing. And all I'm saying is...
Absolutely take time out for yourself. Every damn day.
Reach out, if you can. If you need to.
Connect with loved ones. (Whoever, whatever or where ever they may be.)
Don't let the world tell you what to do.
And just keeping breathing.
If you've got this far...you are doing great.
If this blog has raised any concerns, here's a few (Australian) contacts you may find useful...in the mean time, go gently.
Lifeline 131114
Mental Health Triage 131465 Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
Women's Domestic Violence Helpline
Telephone (08) 9223 1188 or Free call 1800 007 339
Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline
Telephone (08) 9223 1199 or Free call 1800 000 599
